Fern, Smiles & Hope
by cuttestnik
Summary: What fern means to kensi and what she feels about it. Set somewhere in the beggining of season 5.


Hey guys it feels like year since I have uploaded something and uploading a new story now feels great. Those of who are waiting for new chapter of 7 days, guys im working on it and I promise it will up soon. Till then this is what I have for you.

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Fern, Smiles & Hope

She heard _it_. She heard someone say "Fern" but it didn't sound like it normally did.

She looked around and realized that they were in OPS trying to figure out a plan to get the device back. She was so absorbed about how the plan would work and so focused in her thoughts, that she didn't know what the rest of the team was talking about.

She looked around and saw Deeks hoping to see the smile he always gave her when he called her Fern, but it wasn't there. Instead, she saw him clenching his jaw. He hadn't called her Fern, someone else did.

She turned around to face Sam, Eric, Nell and Callen; they were staring at her. She realized what might have happened. One of them must have called her Fern and Deeks didn't like it. She knew from the beginning that Deeks loved to use nicknames with her, but he didn't like when someone else did. She smiled slightly.

Then she heard Nell say that Eric had called her name but she didn't hear him and that they had decided she would go undercover as Fern.

Here it was again._Fern_...the first nickname that Deeks gave her and the name that meant so much to her...to _them_.

She still remembered the day when Deeks called her Fern for the first time.

They were at a night club called _BALM_, and they were trying to make contact with a suspect when he called over the comms and said, "I'm gonna call you _Fern_, baby girl." She looked at him and saw him grinning at her. Though she hated the name back then, she still remembered his smile. The smile she saw for the first time. The way his lips curved into a big smile and the way it reached his glittering, baby blue eyes. The smile which had lightened up her entire world and brought her back from dark places and gave her the strength to fight off any demon that reared its ulgy head. The smile that she loved the most. The smile that lit up her days.

_How _could she forget that smile? She had seen it whenever Deeks had called her Fern during the past four years. The smile that disappeared after Sidorov kidnapped and tortured him. As the months passed, she longed to see that smile again.

She still remembered the day when Fern became so special to her.

The day when he was shot and when he woke up, he decided to freak her out even more. He acted as if he had amnesia. When he saw that she had fallen for his trick, he chuckled and said, "I remember you, _Fern_." She couldn't tell anyone how happy she had felt when that happened. He was alright and she was delighted to hear him call her Fern. Since that day, Fern has become special for her as it always managed to get her and Deeks to smile at each other. It happened so many called her Fern to annoy her and she rolled her eyes but deep down they both knew they loved the name. They have some beautiful memories associated with it.

No one had ever called her Fern except for Deeks and now the name coming from someone else's mouth felt strange. No, actually it felt sad. It hurt. She had been waiting months to hear the special name he had for see the smile on his face and the chance for her to smile as well. But none of that happened. She did hear Fern but not from Deeks. She didn't see _the smile_, instead, she saw him clench his jaw. Instead of smiling, tears formed in her eyes. For the first time, the name that was certain to make her smile now made her cry. She knew the reasons, and to be honest, _knowing_ the reasons, hurt even more. Knowing all of the changes were because Deeks had PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and her funny, goofy, witty blonde partner had disappeared. The man who used to call her Fern was gone and so was the man with OCD who mocked her about hidden dust bunnies.

Yeah she knows Deeks is still recovering. He's better than he was four months ago but not everything was back to normal between them. There's not a thing that has ever been normal between them, truth be told. Though their hanging out time with each other had increased, and she wasn't complaining, she completely loved it, but it meant they didn't talk about their feelings. Both of their communication skills still sucked. Yes, Deeks called her different nicknames, like Kensalina and she loved that name, but no other name would be as special to her than Fern. It would always hold a special place in her heart.

It happened. He called her Fern when they were undercover and not because he wanted to but because he had to. So instead of smiling, she frowned. Instead of being happy she was sad because of the feelings the name brought up and what it was doing to Deeks. It's impossible for her to believe that something so special, so important to them was actually hurting them both in a way she couldn't define. But she couldn't let her feelings get the best of her; she had to focus on the case, so she tried to forget about it. She knew she couldn't forget this, because it had been on her mind for months. But she tried.

Yeah it's been on her mind for months since Deeks and Sam were resuced. She had hoped that just like before, Deekswould come and tell her, _Fern, _not to worry because he would be back, but that didn't happen.

Instead, Deeks wanted an escape from everyone, yeah from everyone including _his_Fern. Every time she called him, she hoped he would pick up the phone and ask, "Your place or mineFern?" But nothing like that happened. He never picked up the phone. Since the day he returned, her hope began to rise, she thought one day he would just tease her and call her Fern, but he didn't. Instead, he called her Kensalina. Just like the once goofy Deeks was now Deeks with PTSD, Fern was now Kensalina.

If someone asked her, she would do _anything _just to hear him call her Fern one more time so she could see _that smile_ on his face. And feel one on her own (face).

Then _it _happened. He called her Fern _and_ smiled at her. The same smile, which the old Deeks used to give her. God, does he know what that smile does to her? She looked at him and he was smiling, not the same but quite similar. She felt her lips curve into a smile as well. She had always found Deeks smile contagious and if he kept smiling like that, he'd be the death of her. But she wouldn't mind. She would be happy if she died while falling into his arms and seeing him smiling at her and calling her Fern. God, when did she become so cheesy?

According to her, things changed after the Sidorov incident. Deeks had become the old Kensi, the one before her father's case was solved; wounded, unhappy, scared, lost, broken and _still _trying to figure things out. And she had become like the old Deeks; the Deeks before _the incident_. Soft on the inside, but tough on the outside. Always making sure others were okay and being overprotective of her about him and not leaving his side for a single moment.

She believed that just like Deeks, when he helped her face the truth of her father's life and death, she wouldbe there for him to help fight his inner demons.

Even though he won't see her, she will be there for him every step of the way.

She thinks that by doing that,she just might get her old Deeks back and when he calls her Fern, smiles will return and tears will fade.

Fern would be back.

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You know the drill guys, leave your comment on your way out..

I hope you liked it…

Much love…

NIKITA.


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